If I Did Dat: Fantastic Four Casting

I’m a fan of the Fantastic Four. I’ve been a fan since I woke up every Saturday morning in 1994 to watch the cartoon on Fox. So it wounded me to see how bad the movie and its sequel were. A lot of it had to do with the piss-poor script and creative licenses the producers seemed to have with canon, but the casting choices were just wrong.

My biggest gripes with the casting choices were who they chose for Dr. Doom and the Invisible Woman.

Julian McMahon is a fine actor and probably did well for what the movies asked of him, but come on, people! Victor Von Doom is not a smarmy New Yorker. He’s a smarmy Eastern European. Dr. Doom is also one of the most feared villains in the Marvel universe and not once did I feel any sense of danger when I saw the movies. Kind of like how the Joker elevated the Dark Knight, Dr. Doom should have elevated the Fantastic Four, but on both attempts, they fell flat.

Jessica Alba is a mega-hottie, but she’s not Sue Storm. It’s very questionable when you have both bleach your hair and put in colored contacts to play a role. I can understand it if you were shooting for an Oscar winner like Sandra Bullock and giving her another Oscar worthy part, but let’s face it, America, we’re not shooting for Oscar gold; we’re aiming for box office gold. Alba hasn’t had a lot of luck being the leading female in a movie (Good Luck Chuck, Love Guru) so she seems to be poisoning her own ability to draw in the crowds. She’s also not the strongest actress on the block. I watched Valentine’s Day with the Doc a couple weeks ago and let’s just say I wasn’t impressed by her performance. I believe her casting in the Fantastic Four was just for eye-candy since the movie seemed to have no idea on how to treat the Invisible Woman.

But enough of my griping, here’s what I would have done.

Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic: Ewan McGregor
Only at the beginning and already doing something that feels like a stretch. In my head, I wanted someone where if you looked at this group of four, you’d be able to immediately point out that this character was the leader. I didn’t get that Ioan Gruffold. He did a serviceable job in portraying the brainy Reed Richards, but if I had to choose a hero I’d like to have by my side, I want someone a little more… impressive. I wanted a leader and he felt more like another comic relief side-kick.  My original thought was to go with David Tennant because I’m a big fan of what he did with Doctor Who and he certainly can portray an elder intellectual who can throw out technical and scientific jargon that’ll make your head spin, but even though he can portray an older man, I can’t get passed the fact that he’s still quite young for my vision of Reed Richards. Plus, I've noticed that this blog is starting to feel like a fansite for him.  Let’s call him an investment in case the movie gets postponed 5-10 years. But if the movie had to be made today, I’d have to go with Ewan McGregor. I’m mostly familiar with him through his work on the Star Wars prequels as Obi-Wan Kenobi and he did a great job. I can believe he’s a leader. I can believe he’s smarter than the average bear. I can even believe he can kick my ass if there’s no other choice. Just watch his final dual with Anakin Skywalker or even his fight against General Greivous in Revenge of the Sith, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Ben Grimm/The Thing (if make-up): Nathan Jones
I thought Michael Chiklis did a fine job as the loveable, blue-eyed Thing. But it never worked for me when he was in that laughable makeup. It was so caked on that and awkward looking that I couldn’t get past the fact that it was a person under there. So why not choose an actor that doesn’t require that much make-up in the first place? I’m not going to go into too much detail about why I chose Nathan Jones if we use make-up. Just watch The Protector or Fearless and you’ll see why he probably won’t need to be as layered in plaster and rubber like Chiklis was.  Of course, I'd probably need someone with some more acting chops than just being able to grunt and beat up smaller people... or do I?  Well, let's just put man-in-make-up expert Ron Perlman as a backup option since I've been wowed by him in Hellboy 2.

Ben Grimm/The Thing (if cg): Kiefer Sutherland
What if all we needed was a man in the beginning of the movie and then his voice for a CG Thing for the rest of the movie? Well then we’ll need the perfect man to answer the phone. He may not be as physically imposing as Michael Chiklis, but imagine the voice. He’s got that raspy tension in his voice that would make a puppy sound threatening. Plus, one of the main characteristics of the Thing is that he doesn’t want to be the Thing and if he used to look like Kiefer Sutherland, then I’d want to go back to looking like Kiefer Sutherland too.

Johnny Storm/Human Torch: Chris Pine
This was a tough one. Not because I couldn’t think of someone who would be great for the role. It was a tough call on whether I would keep the incumbent Chris Evans in the role or not. Out of the casts of the movies, I thought he was the best fit. Of course, that’s like saying he was the fastest runner in a one-legged race. But I went with Chris Pine instead, because his Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movie is pretty much what I want in the Human Torch: cocky, quick-witted, charming, and reliable when needed. Also, if I was writing the movie, I’d tone down the jerk-levels they seemed to be focused on cranking up to 11 in the previous films.

PS, Congrats to Chris Evans for landing the role of Captain America.  I guess this means that the Fantastic Four are guaranteed to not be in the Avengers movie.

Sue Storm/The Invisible Woman: Kaley Cuoco
Why Kaley Cuoco? Because she can bring the nerds. As the almost unattainable girl-next-door love interest in The Big Bang Theory, she’s made many geeks, nerds, and socially-inept men get down on their knees and thank the Heavens for bringing her to their TV screens almost every week. Is she hotter than Jessica Alba? That’s debatable. Is she a stronger actress than Jessica Alba? I’ve never seen Kaley Cuoco in a role outside of the show’s bubbly yet independent character, so I can’t judge that yet. Will she bring the nerds? Yes, she will. Alba was the comic book geek queen in the last 90s and early 2000s with her starting out in Dark Angel, becoming a bona fide hottie, and then doing a lasso dance in Sin City before taking the reins for Fantasic Four. I can see Kaley Cuoco being the next Jessica Alba. Also, having her being a young actress and Ewan McGregor being an older gentleman fits quite nicely to the age disparity in the actual comics.

Victor von Doom/Dr. Doom: Jude Law
Where does Hollywood go when they need an evil German? England, of course. Dr. Doom isn’t German, but since his country of Latvaria isn’t real either, so I’ll equate it to 1940’s Germany or a former Soviet republic. But it can’t be just any British actor. We’d need someone who can play an egomaniacal narcissist who can actually backup his claims… Jude Law. Another thing about Dr. Doom is that before he had a scarred face, he was quite a looker, which was probably the original reason why Julian McMahon was cast before.

Silver Surfer: Brent Spiner
Here’s another nibble for geek-dom. Silver Surfer is supposed to start out as a cold and almost mechanical being who evolves into a more feeling and moral character. Since I absolutely won’t accept a dude in makeup for this role, we only need a voice and the perfect voice for me is Brett Spiner, who played Data in Star Trek: TNG.

Galactus: Kevin Conroy

Who I really wanted for this role was Tony Jay, who did the voice of Frollo from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame, but he passed away in 2006 so instead, I’m going to pull a fast one and choose my favorite baritone voice actor, Kevin Conroy, who most famously does the voice of Batman in many of his animated adventures and video games. And if you can imagine a gigantic being that eats planets, of course his voice would be a deep baritone. In the sequel, I felt duped when the only vision of Galactus we got was a mere shadow in swirling clouds. I want Galactus to be a living, breathing character with Kevin Conroy’s voice, even if that means we’ll need to have a scene where he eats a planet like a cheeseburger (I know, he doesn’t eat a planet like that, but who knows what dumb thing Hollywood might try).

Quick Hits: These are characters I can remember from Fantastic Four lore that weren’t in the movies and probably will never be in the movies. Well, except for the Super Skrull.  These have to be quick hits because, oh man, there's a lot of them.

Mole-man: Clint Howard, yeah, too easy.

Super Skrull: Nathan Jones, if he isn’t already Ben Grimm. Javier Bardem, which he still creeps me out after I saw No Country For Old Men. I was half-expecting to see him flip a coin in Vicky Christina Barcelona.  If he requests that the Super Skrull flip a coin to choose whether or not to kill someone, I'm willing to listen to his suggestion.  That scene still gives me goosebumps.

Puppet Master: John Malcavich, for a lame character with a cool power, I've seen many interpretations on what the Puppet Master looks like.  Let's just go with Malcavich on this one.

The Impossible Man: David Tennant, he can easily play a cartoonish, child-friendly character like that.

Franklin Richards (child): unknown child actor

Franklin Richards (adult): Justin Hartley… kind of looks like the love child of Ewan McGregor and Kaley Cuoco.

Valeria Richards (child): unknown child actor.

Valeria Richards (adult): Lauren C. Mayhew.  I'm not familiar with her skills, but I really doubt anyone would put this character in the movie.

Lyja: Gemma Arterton, don’t recognize the name? She was Strawberry Fields in Quantum of Solace(the chick that got covered in motor oil) and she’s going to be in the upcoming Prince of Persia movie.  I can imagine her in green body paint and a skin tight outfit.

Alicia Masters: Jayma Mays, I've been a sucker for as the damsel-in-distress since the first season of Heroes when Hiro couldn't save her.

Namor: Michael Phelps, who else would you choose to play a dark haired Aquaman rip-off?

Agatha Harkness: Jane Lynch.  I wanted to go with the Supernanny on this, but decided against it.  Did I make the right Decision?

See what I mean?  And I barely scratched the surface.