Dropping the Deuce on… Taco Bell Fresco Diet

A couple weeks ago, I went to Taco Bell for an escapist lunch from work with a buddy and the first thing that caught my eye was a sticker on their window asking something along the lines of “Try the Taco Bell Diet”. At first I thought it was another Taco Bell gimmick like the Fourth Meal, Thinking Outside the Bun, or the Chihuahua, but when we entered through the doors, we were greeted with a cardboard cutout of their version of Subway’s Jared. I was dumbfounded. There it was: a cutout of a woman claiming to have lost weight by switching out her regular fast food with tacos. I glanced over at my friend who seemed to have the same blank expression on his face and started to laugh. I ordered 4 five-layer burritos for 89 cents each and ate them all in one sitting. The Fresco Diet items were either pricier than the burrito or didn’t offer as much substance.

So why am I going to drop a hot and steamy pile on this? Well, I saw a commercial for the Fresco Diet a couple nights ago and my gut started to turn as if I had just eaten at Taco Bell. They were being serious!

The Good:
I applaud the spokeswoman of this diet for losing weight and finding a plan that worked for her (and for showing a hottie-worthy picture of her in a two-piece swimsuit in the commercial). It’s hard to lose weight when there’s a lot to lose in the first place. I also applaud Taco Bell for offering lower calorie/fat options for their customers. I looked online at the nutritional facts (that they displayed on their website) and they are noticeably lower in fat and calories than their other offerings so I can see the logic in how that could work. Eating less calories and fat does lead to weight loss. It makes more sense to me than the Atkins Diet.

The Bad:
A single Fresco Diet item has about the same calories/fat as a 6” sub at Subway. This leads me to point out a terrible fact: I’ve never eaten just 1 taco when I go to Taco Bell. Could it be because I lack portion control when it comes to my meals? Could it be because the serving sizes at Taco Bell are barely enough to satisfy as an appetizer for a toddler? Could it be because I’m a masochist who wants to see how much punishment my intestines can take before I start to suffer from full systems failure? Either way, if I go to Taco Bell, I always order about 4-5 items and eat them all with hot sauce. If we were going with the Fresco Diet options, it would be the caloric equivalent to about 2 feet of Subway subs. I can see the Chihuahua spinning in his grave… if he isn’t the secret ingredient in the Fresco Diet.

A subtext of the Fresco Diet is that it’s to replace your regularly eaten fast food. If you’re like me and only eat fast food about 3 times a month, this diet won’t work even register in your health goals. If you’re someone that eats fast food 7 or more times a week, you’re going to have bigger problems than what the Fresco Diet can fix. If you eat fast food about 2-4 times a week because you don’t have enough time to prepare your own meals, I’m going to lay some truth on you. Taco Bell doesn’t save you time. Buy a loaf of bread and some deli meat and then make yourself a sandwich or two. In the same amount of time, I was waiting in line to place my order and then have to wait again for my order to be made. Yes, a cold sandwich isn’t the same as a piping hot taco, but that can be easily remedied by popping that sandwich into the microwave for a half-minute and creating a hot meat sandwich. Put on a little mustard, some pickles, maybe even a tomato slice (or salsa) and you’ve got yourself a darn good sandwich.

The Ugly:
I’m not dropping a deuce on Taco Bell for offering healthier options. I’m leaving a gift on their chests because they’re trying to make people believe that it’s diet food. It’s still Taco Bell. I don’t go there to lose weight. I go there because I have a craving for generic Mexican food and soda that can fill me up with only $5.

Instead of focusing a campaign on a “diet” to lose weight, they should have done what McDonald’s and Wendy’s when they were forced to offer alternatives (salads, apple slices, etc) and just mention the healthier options in passing while still focusing on their big ticket items. It’s almost insulting. Subway can get away with what they did because when I think of Subway, I think of clean deli meat, vegetables, and the freshness that comes with a hand-made sandwich. When I think of Taco Bell, I think of processed cheese, watery beans, greasy ground meat, and uncontrollable bowel movements. To try and do a 180 into the healthy foods market is not doing anyone any favors.

I can smell a backlash in the air, hiding under the disguise of thousands of backed up toilets. Mobs of angry fat people are going to try and tip over a local Taco Bell because they haven’t lost any weight, their doctors told them they are in worse shape than before, or because they’ve gone crazy after starving themselves on eating only a single Fresco Diet item for a meal.