Because the first one was so much fun, I decided to do another one.
It’s no secret that Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns was a major snooze-fest that suffered from a mediocre script, a near invincible main character that makes suspense almost impossible, and really poor casting choices. Another strike against Superman Returns was the choice to restart the movie franchise as if it was a part 3 after the Richard Donner/Richard Lester Superman movies of the 70s and not a complete reboot.
First off, the 70s were far more forgiving of the creative license that those original movies took with the Superman canon so they didn’t see message board complaints about killing off Jonathan Kent during Superman’s adolescence, giving Lex Luthor two comic-relief henchmen who took up way too much screentime, and having Superman use the time reset ability near the end of each movie to make it seem like he can always hit the reset button if he screws up badly. Secondly, the 70s were far more accepting of cheese and, by cheese, I mean campy Adam West Batman types of scenes like the famous one where Superman is flying in the sky with Lois Lane (in a blue dress) while only holding her hand. Thirdly, Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies were complete reboots from the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher films and he was successful, so Bryan Singer has no excuse for half-assing it there.
I also pointed at the poor casting choices because those really irked me (almost as much as the love-child Lois Lane seemed to of had with Superman). Clark Kent and Lois Lane aren’t impossible to cast, but I think they dropped the ball on this, especially with Lois Lane. Margot Kidder worked well because she threw all the spunk possible at the audience and did it successfully as a 70s career woman you’d want to save. Kate Bosworth didn’t do that. Some could say that her Lois Lane had to lose the charming brashness because she became a single mother (there’s that darned love-child ruining the movie again) and had to mellow out. I think it’s because Kate Bosworth would have been around the middle of a list of 100 actresses I would have chosen for Lois Lane and in all honesty, at around 20-30 actresses down the list, I would have gotten tired and started to just chose actresses because they had breasts and legs. Brandon Routh was a gamble that I’m willing to applaud Bryan Singer on. He was a virtual no-name outside of the soap opera circle and kudos to Singer for sticking to his convictions on hiring a no-name to play Superman. On paper, Routh was a good heir to Christopher Reeve’s silver-screen persona, but the poor script and lack of true acting scenes just made Routh’s performance fall flat. Or maybe his performance was a reflection of the poor casting of Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor? Instead of making Lex Luthor someone to be feared, they made him someone to laugh at during his interactions with his cohorts… I didn’t laugh.
Clark Kent/Superman: Tom Welling
I’m a fan of the CW show Smallville and I’m a Super-fan of Tom Welling as Clark Kent. He’s grown up from the awkward high school kid to become the Red-Blue Blur on that show. He hits all the right notes for Clark. He’s wholesome, innocent, and can be a boy scout without having to stretch too far. Heck, he’s even got Christopher Reeve’s seal of approval and if he likes Tom Welling, then we should all like Tom Welling. Oh and it helps that he’s chiseled like a Greek statue.
Lois Lane: Erica Durance
Someone should have given the Smallville casting director a bonus on this one. That’s right! I’m dipping my pen into the TV show’s ink again. She’s got the panache and spunk that endeared Kidder to America and she’s smoking hot to boot. With her as Lois Lane, you can understand why Superman would want to save her so many times.
Lex Luthor: Timothy Olyphant
I almost went with Smallville again, but decided against it this time. I’m a fan of Michael Rosenbaum (especially of his voice acting as the Flash in the Justice League cartoon and as Lex Luthor in Smallville), but I want someone with a more booming voice. I almost went with Clancy Brown (voice of Lex Luthor in the Superman cartoon in the 90s), but he was a little too old for me to play the live action version. So instead, I choose Timothy Olyphant. He’s got the cocky, yet deep voice that can easily be attributed to a villain (Live Free or Die Hard) and he looks good bald (Hitman), both are recommended watches from me. I don’t see this role needing much in the ways of fist-fighting skills, but it definitely needs a strong voice to spout out commands. Timothy Olyphant fits that bill.
Jimmy Olsen: Jesse Eisenberg
He’s Superman’s best friend… at least through the 90s as far as I can remember. So he’s got be in the movies. Casting this was more difficult than I thought it’d be. I need someone dorky/geeky, squeaky clean, and able to deliver a “Golly gee!” or a “We’re in a pickle now!” line without making the audience want to throw stuff at the screen. Originally, I wanted Michael Cera, but he’s too engrained in my head as a guy that makes me laugh by being a downer. We can’t have that for Jimmy Olsen. So I’m going with Jesse Eisenberg. He’s pretty much a poor man’s Michael Cera and because of that, he isn’t so type-casted in my head yet.
Perry White: Jack Coleman
I’m going young with this casting mainly because I feel like it (if you can call Jack Coleman young). Usually Perry White is cast as an old man. Well, old men retire and I wanted someone weathered, but still has about 10-20 good years as an editor in them for sequels. I also needed someone with a strong enough personality to reel in Lois Lane without having to resort to sexual harassment or physical abuse and be able to bellow out "Great Caesar's ghost!" without sounding stupid. Jack Coleman’s Noah Bennett on Heroes was that sort of character to me. He instilled fear in his enemies while still being soft and loving to his family. Yeah, that’s Perry White.
Martha Kent: Lynda Carter
Cameo Alert! For a role that is usually ignored after the first half of the first movie but is important for Superman lore, we need someone that has the name recognition to be remembered but isn’t so overpowering that it wouldn’t make sense to cast her in such a small role in the first place. That’s when I landed on Lynda Carter (70’s TV’s Wonder Woman). I’m casting her just for the fan appeal in the right circles (comic book geeks). It’s a bonus that she can act and act well.
Jonathan Kent: Kevin Sorbo
Cameo Alert #2! OK, I might be dropping the ball on this one, but I’m so peeved at the movies killing Jonathan Kent that I wanted to cast someone young enough that such a plot device would not make sense, like giving a baby Rabies or killing a grandmother in a drive-by. There’s also the added benefit that, like Lynda Carter, I get name recognition in the right circles who would appreciate the casting decision, like fans of his Hercules show or Andromeda.
Kara Kent/Supergirl: Amber Heard
Who? If you watched Pineapple Express (which I’m assuming you probably didn’t) she played Seth Rogan’s still-in-high-school girlfriend. She was also in Zombieland and Never Back Down. If you don’t think she can do the wholesome country girl of Kara Kent, look at this picture (Link). If you don’t think she can play the blonde bombshell superhero, look at this picture and imagine a cape flapping behind her (Link). If you think you can beat that, make a comment. By the way, if you’re wondering why I didn’t choose Laura Vandervoort, it’s because I couldn’t get myself to like Supergirl as much as I should have. If you ever read the Superman/Batman: Supergirl graphic novel, you’ll see what I’m talking about.
Lana Lang: Leighton Meester
This is another one of those “cast an unknown” things I like to do because even though Angelina Jolie is a bigger name, whenever I watched Tomb Raider, I can’t stop thinking that it’s Angelina Jolie. Leighton Meester might as well be a no-name for me because I’ve never watched Gossip Girl and for a small part in the beginning of the movie as Clark Kent’s high school crush, I’m fine with picking an actress based solely on a single picture I just happen to cross over on imdb (Link).
Mercy Graves: Holly Valance
Here’s another “who’s that” choice. I wanted an actress who can do kick ass fight scenes because as Lex Luthor’s assistant/bodyguard, Mercy Graves, she should know how to throw down with the likes of Lois Lane and display the worthiness of standing next to Superman’s most recognizable villain. For this role, I chose Holly Valance because I’m one of the few Americans to have seen DOA: Dead or Alive starring Jaime Pressley. Yeah, I know. You don’t expect the girl from My Name is Earl to be a good action star, but she did really well in the fight scenes (story sucked though). Holly Valance played the butt-kicking thief and had a very memorable one-on-one fight on a rainy beach in practically her underwear (story sucked, but they catered to me as an audience).
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
If I Did Dat: Spiderman Casting
Ok, America. It's not like I'm releasing any breaking news here but I'll reiterate in case the initial sting sent you into a numbing tailspin where the reality of this tragedy has not set into your soul just yet. Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi are not going to be a part of Spiderman 4 due to creative differences and Sony Pictures has decided to do a reboot of the Spiderman series with Marc Webb (director of 500 Days of Summer). What does this mean? It basically means that the first 3 Spiderman movies are going to be wiped away as if they never happened and Sony is going to force another slow moving origin story down our throats. I can understand doing that with a movie franchise that hadn't created an installment for 20 years, like Superman, but the last Spiderman movie happened only a couple years ago and the first movie was less than 10 years ago.
I can understand where they may want to hit the reset button because Spiderman 3 was just bad and embarrassingly struck out in the story department. They spent too much time on using the Sandman and not enough time focusing on Venom (strike one). They killed Harry Osbourne/Green Goblin and Venom in an anti-climactic way (strike two). And worst of all, emo-Peter Parker (strike three, you’re out!).
As much as this reboot hurts me, I let the anger subside and decided to take this as an opportunity to break-in a new feature of the pieceofpu blog: If I Did Dat.
The reboot is going to happen, so there’s no use in sobbing about it now. But let’s spin this to our advantage. What if I was the casting director and could choose whoever I wanted to be in the movie? What would it be like if I did dat (see what I did there with the title of this blog and what I just said)?
Here is the cast:
Peter Parker/Spiderman: Zac Efron
It goes without saying that this is the make or break casting decision. I feel that they hit it out of the park when Tobey Maguire was cast Peter Parker, nerd turned superhero, and would have loved to see him be Spiderman for another decade or two. But we’re dealing with a reboot and reboot means young. Since Spiderman’s story started in high school and because Marc Webb is the director, I have a feeling the movie is going to focus heavily on the high school and college years. So who fits the bill? My mind went through a list of young actors, but a lot of them were either too awkward (Michael Cera) or didn’t look right (Robert Pattinson). Then it became a toss-up between two actors: Zac Efron or Chris Pine. I favored Chris Pine if they focused more on the after-college years, but because of where I think the script is going to take place, I have to go with Zac Efron. We can easily geek him out with glasses has the pre-radioactive-spider-bite Peter Parker and then explode him into the superhero because I’m assuming he’s already got a dancer’s physique, which is what we want for Spiderman. Trim, nicely defined muscles, but not so physically dominating that you’d think we were seeing the second coming of Arnold or Sylvester.
Mary Jane Watson: Emma Stone
I was not a fan of the Kirsten Dunst casting in the original movies so for this role I had trouble settling for anyone that, in my head, was just better her. Mary Jane Watson is supposed to be a model or at least someone who is hot enough to be a model while still having the girl next door appeal of not being afraid to get down and dirty. Let’s face it, America. There are not a lot of actresses in that age group able to pull that off. This is someone who the audience is supposed to like enough to have Spiderman come down and save. So I chose Emma Stone. She can definitely do hot (Superbad), she can do the dirty work (House Bunny), and she can be endearing with how silly she can be (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past). If I can get Emma Stone to be Mary Jane Watson, I’ve got someone the audience would want to save in the multiple sequels to come.
Gwen Stacy: Meredith Hagner
If had a say in the script, I’d want the first movie to focus more on the Spiderman/Gwen Stacy love than on the Spiderman/Mary Jane love. Why? Because this is the one love tragedy that will haunt Peter Parker for the rest of his life (and a good way to darken the stories of sequels). For those of you not familiar with even who Gwen Stacy is, she was Peter Parker’s first love interest for many years before Mary Jane Watson was even introduced—a Lois Lane type of character, if I remember right. But unlike Superman, Spiderman wasn’t fast enough to save her from a horrible death and even though he now has Mary Jane Watson, the comic books sometime hint that he would have picked Gwen if he was forced to choose. Spiderman 3 didn’t do the character any favors (it didn’t do anyone any favors) so don’t draw your opinions from that movie. If I want someone to portray a spunky young blonde that the audience would love, I pick Meredith Hagner, based solely on her stints on Royal Pains. There’s someone that I would enjoy seeing Peter Parker pine over and then cry over after failing to save her.
Aunt May Parker: Allison Janney
This one was a lot harder to cast than I originally thought and I admit that I gave up on finding the perfect actress to play this after I finally got some of the principals set. Why Alison Janney? I don’t know why but ever since Juno, I can’t get it out of my head that she’d be a cool mother-figure. That’s it. That’s the only reason. Should I go with someone older? Of course. Should I go with someone more wholesome and brittle? Yes! But will I? Only if someone can convince me of a better actress to hire.
Uncle Ben Parker: Sam Waterson
If you’re familiar with Spiderman, you know Uncle Ben really only has 2-3 scenes where he says the cheesiest line possible (“With great power comes great responsibility”) and then dies. The only person I could even think of that could say such a ridiculous line that’ll probably get played over and over again is Jack McCoy from Law & Order. Sam Waterson knows how to make a good speech, even if it has to end so weakly.
J. Jonah Jameson: J.K. Simmons
This is my no-compromises casting decision. J.K. Simmons is the only actor that should ever play the gruff, over-bearing, pompous editor of the Daily Bugle.
Harry Osbourne: Robert Pattinson
If you’ve seen all 3 Spiderman movies, you know that Harry is the outcast friend of Peter Parker who later creates a love triangle with Mary Jane, blames Spiderman for the death of his father, and becomes the Green Goblin. What the movies didn’t show was that Harry also has a mental breakdown, overdoses on drugs, and later dies. What actor do I want to see go through all of that? Robert Pattinson.
Norman Osbourne/Green Goblin: Adrian Pasdar
Who? He plays Nathan Petrelli on Heroes
(Flying-man), the brother of Milo Ventimiglia’s character. Why? He’s got that evil raspy voice and yet he can also be fatherly. Both are characteristics that Willem Defoe was definitely able to portray.
Eddie Brock/Venom: Seth Rogan
This has to be one of those initial planting of Eddie Brock as a cameo/lesser part in the first movie and them make a bigger deal about him in the sequels. They completely botched it up by casting Topher Grace in this role. When I think of Eddie Brock, I think of a bully/comedy relief. Topher Grace does not say “bully” to me. Seth Rogan can be a bully (Observe and Report) and the comedy relief (Superbad). All you’d need to do is get his butt to the gym and he’d have the muscular definition to be something Peter Parker would fear.
Robbie Robertson: Andre Braugher
This is another one of those important 2-3 scene characters. He’s like the velvet glove to J. Jonah Jameson’s iron fist. After watching his stint on House, Andre Braugher fits that need just fine.
Felicia Hardy/Black Cat: Emma Watson
The original scuttlebutt on Spiderman 4 was that it was going to have Felicia Hardy come in as the love interest and the studios were going to kick Kirsten Dunst to the curb. I was all for that when I heard rumors that they were going to get Anne Hathaway to play the millionaire heiress turned feline hero. But if I’m going to stick with the young casting theme, I would choose Harry Potter alumni Emma Watson. She’s 19 now so that makes it totally legal for men of my age to imagine her running around in a skin-tight cat outfit. Meow!
Flash Thompson: Peyton Manning
For those of you not familiar with Flash Thompson, he was the football star bully that terrorized Peter Parker in high school before Spiderman existed. So he plays an important emotional target that you’ll probably only see for 5 minutes total in the movie, which is perfect for a cameo type of casting. I choose Peyton Manning. What? So he’s old enough to be the father of most of the cast members, but he can play a Flash Thompson that was held back a couple dozen years.
Dr. Curt Connors/Crocodile: Harrison Ford
I’ll admit it first. I just wanted Harrison Ford to be in a movie where he’s the one-armed man and not the one chasing him (a la The Fugitive). He’s shown that he can be a kickass professor that could keep the attention of young fertile minds (Indiana Jones) and thanks to computer graphics, if they ever take the Crocodile storyline to fruition, his alter ego character can easily have a knuckle-dragger of a fight with Spiderman.
Dr. Otto Octavius/Dr. Octupus: Anthony Head
I’m a super fan of the second Spiderman movie and a large part of that was because of Alfred Molina’s Doc Oct. For this role, I’m casting someone with a powerful British accent that can easily switch between good and evil and back again just on the context of the scene. I choose Anthony Head (famous tutor on Buffy: The Vampire Slayer). At first, I couldn’t see him go beyond the good guy because of his role on Buffy, but then I saw him in the first season of the David Tennant Doctor Who where he played an evil headmaster/alien and he sent chills up my spine with his controlled evil. Yep, I like this pick.
I can understand where they may want to hit the reset button because Spiderman 3 was just bad and embarrassingly struck out in the story department. They spent too much time on using the Sandman and not enough time focusing on Venom (strike one). They killed Harry Osbourne/Green Goblin and Venom in an anti-climactic way (strike two). And worst of all, emo-Peter Parker (strike three, you’re out!).
As much as this reboot hurts me, I let the anger subside and decided to take this as an opportunity to break-in a new feature of the pieceofpu blog: If I Did Dat.
The reboot is going to happen, so there’s no use in sobbing about it now. But let’s spin this to our advantage. What if I was the casting director and could choose whoever I wanted to be in the movie? What would it be like if I did dat (see what I did there with the title of this blog and what I just said)?
Here is the cast:
Peter Parker/Spiderman: Zac Efron
It goes without saying that this is the make or break casting decision. I feel that they hit it out of the park when Tobey Maguire was cast Peter Parker, nerd turned superhero, and would have loved to see him be Spiderman for another decade or two. But we’re dealing with a reboot and reboot means young. Since Spiderman’s story started in high school and because Marc Webb is the director, I have a feeling the movie is going to focus heavily on the high school and college years. So who fits the bill? My mind went through a list of young actors, but a lot of them were either too awkward (Michael Cera) or didn’t look right (Robert Pattinson). Then it became a toss-up between two actors: Zac Efron or Chris Pine. I favored Chris Pine if they focused more on the after-college years, but because of where I think the script is going to take place, I have to go with Zac Efron. We can easily geek him out with glasses has the pre-radioactive-spider-bite Peter Parker and then explode him into the superhero because I’m assuming he’s already got a dancer’s physique, which is what we want for Spiderman. Trim, nicely defined muscles, but not so physically dominating that you’d think we were seeing the second coming of Arnold or Sylvester.
Mary Jane Watson: Emma Stone
I was not a fan of the Kirsten Dunst casting in the original movies so for this role I had trouble settling for anyone that, in my head, was just better her. Mary Jane Watson is supposed to be a model or at least someone who is hot enough to be a model while still having the girl next door appeal of not being afraid to get down and dirty. Let’s face it, America. There are not a lot of actresses in that age group able to pull that off. This is someone who the audience is supposed to like enough to have Spiderman come down and save. So I chose Emma Stone. She can definitely do hot (Superbad), she can do the dirty work (House Bunny), and she can be endearing with how silly she can be (Ghosts of Girlfriends Past). If I can get Emma Stone to be Mary Jane Watson, I’ve got someone the audience would want to save in the multiple sequels to come.
Gwen Stacy: Meredith Hagner
If had a say in the script, I’d want the first movie to focus more on the Spiderman/Gwen Stacy love than on the Spiderman/Mary Jane love. Why? Because this is the one love tragedy that will haunt Peter Parker for the rest of his life (and a good way to darken the stories of sequels). For those of you not familiar with even who Gwen Stacy is, she was Peter Parker’s first love interest for many years before Mary Jane Watson was even introduced—a Lois Lane type of character, if I remember right. But unlike Superman, Spiderman wasn’t fast enough to save her from a horrible death and even though he now has Mary Jane Watson, the comic books sometime hint that he would have picked Gwen if he was forced to choose. Spiderman 3 didn’t do the character any favors (it didn’t do anyone any favors) so don’t draw your opinions from that movie. If I want someone to portray a spunky young blonde that the audience would love, I pick Meredith Hagner, based solely on her stints on Royal Pains. There’s someone that I would enjoy seeing Peter Parker pine over and then cry over after failing to save her.
Aunt May Parker: Allison Janney
This one was a lot harder to cast than I originally thought and I admit that I gave up on finding the perfect actress to play this after I finally got some of the principals set. Why Alison Janney? I don’t know why but ever since Juno, I can’t get it out of my head that she’d be a cool mother-figure. That’s it. That’s the only reason. Should I go with someone older? Of course. Should I go with someone more wholesome and brittle? Yes! But will I? Only if someone can convince me of a better actress to hire.
Uncle Ben Parker: Sam Waterson
If you’re familiar with Spiderman, you know Uncle Ben really only has 2-3 scenes where he says the cheesiest line possible (“With great power comes great responsibility”) and then dies. The only person I could even think of that could say such a ridiculous line that’ll probably get played over and over again is Jack McCoy from Law & Order. Sam Waterson knows how to make a good speech, even if it has to end so weakly.
J. Jonah Jameson: J.K. Simmons
This is my no-compromises casting decision. J.K. Simmons is the only actor that should ever play the gruff, over-bearing, pompous editor of the Daily Bugle.
Harry Osbourne: Robert Pattinson
If you’ve seen all 3 Spiderman movies, you know that Harry is the outcast friend of Peter Parker who later creates a love triangle with Mary Jane, blames Spiderman for the death of his father, and becomes the Green Goblin. What the movies didn’t show was that Harry also has a mental breakdown, overdoses on drugs, and later dies. What actor do I want to see go through all of that? Robert Pattinson.
Norman Osbourne/Green Goblin: Adrian Pasdar
Who? He plays Nathan Petrelli on Heroes
(Flying-man), the brother of Milo Ventimiglia’s character. Why? He’s got that evil raspy voice and yet he can also be fatherly. Both are characteristics that Willem Defoe was definitely able to portray.Eddie Brock/Venom: Seth Rogan
This has to be one of those initial planting of Eddie Brock as a cameo/lesser part in the first movie and them make a bigger deal about him in the sequels. They completely botched it up by casting Topher Grace in this role. When I think of Eddie Brock, I think of a bully/comedy relief. Topher Grace does not say “bully” to me. Seth Rogan can be a bully (Observe and Report) and the comedy relief (Superbad). All you’d need to do is get his butt to the gym and he’d have the muscular definition to be something Peter Parker would fear.
Robbie Robertson: Andre Braugher
This is another one of those important 2-3 scene characters. He’s like the velvet glove to J. Jonah Jameson’s iron fist. After watching his stint on House, Andre Braugher fits that need just fine.
Felicia Hardy/Black Cat: Emma Watson
The original scuttlebutt on Spiderman 4 was that it was going to have Felicia Hardy come in as the love interest and the studios were going to kick Kirsten Dunst to the curb. I was all for that when I heard rumors that they were going to get Anne Hathaway to play the millionaire heiress turned feline hero. But if I’m going to stick with the young casting theme, I would choose Harry Potter alumni Emma Watson. She’s 19 now so that makes it totally legal for men of my age to imagine her running around in a skin-tight cat outfit. Meow!
Flash Thompson: Peyton Manning
For those of you not familiar with Flash Thompson, he was the football star bully that terrorized Peter Parker in high school before Spiderman existed. So he plays an important emotional target that you’ll probably only see for 5 minutes total in the movie, which is perfect for a cameo type of casting. I choose Peyton Manning. What? So he’s old enough to be the father of most of the cast members, but he can play a Flash Thompson that was held back a couple dozen years.
Dr. Curt Connors/Crocodile: Harrison Ford
I’ll admit it first. I just wanted Harrison Ford to be in a movie where he’s the one-armed man and not the one chasing him (a la The Fugitive). He’s shown that he can be a kickass professor that could keep the attention of young fertile minds (Indiana Jones) and thanks to computer graphics, if they ever take the Crocodile storyline to fruition, his alter ego character can easily have a knuckle-dragger of a fight with Spiderman.
Dr. Otto Octavius/Dr. Octupus: Anthony Head
I’m a super fan of the second Spiderman movie and a large part of that was because of Alfred Molina’s Doc Oct. For this role, I’m casting someone with a powerful British accent that can easily switch between good and evil and back again just on the context of the scene. I choose Anthony Head (famous tutor on Buffy: The Vampire Slayer). At first, I couldn’t see him go beyond the good guy because of his role on Buffy, but then I saw him in the first season of the David Tennant Doctor Who where he played an evil headmaster/alien and he sent chills up my spine with his controlled evil. Yep, I like this pick.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Dropping the Deuce on… Taco Bell Fresco Diet
A couple weeks ago, I went to Taco Bell for an escapist lunch from work with a buddy and the first thing that caught my eye was a sticker on their window asking something along the lines of “Try the Taco Bell Diet”. At first I thought it was another Taco Bell gimmick like the Fourth Meal, Thinking Outside the Bun, or the Chihuahua, but when we entered through the doors, we were greeted with a cardboard cutout of their version of Subway’s Jared. I was dumbfounded. There it was: a cutout of a woman claiming to have lost weight by switching out her regular fast food with tacos. I glanced over at my friend who seemed to have the same blank expression on his face and started to laugh. I ordered 4 five-layer burritos for 89 cents each and ate them all in one sitting. The Fresco Diet items were either pricier than the burrito or didn’t offer as much substance.
So why am I going to drop a hot and steamy pile on this? Well, I saw a commercial for the Fresco Diet a couple nights ago and my gut started to turn as if I had just eaten at Taco Bell. They were being serious!
The Good:
I applaud the spokeswoman of this diet for losing weight and finding a plan that worked for her (and for showing a hottie-worthy picture of her in a two-piece swimsuit in the commercial). It’s hard to lose weight when there’s a lot to lose in the first place. I also applaud Taco Bell for offering lower calorie/fat options for their customers. I looked online at the nutritional facts (that they displayed on their website) and they are noticeably lower in fat and calories than their other offerings so I can see the logic in how that could work. Eating less calories and fat does lead to weight loss. It makes more sense to me than the Atkins Diet.
The Bad:
A single Fresco Diet item has about the same calories/fat as a 6” sub at Subway. This leads me to point out a terrible fact: I’ve never eaten just 1 taco when I go to Taco Bell. Could it be because I lack portion control when it comes to my meals? Could it be because the serving sizes at Taco Bell are barely enough to satisfy as an appetizer for a toddler? Could it be because I’m a masochist who wants to see how much punishment my intestines can take before I start to suffer from full systems failure? Either way, if I go to Taco Bell, I always order about 4-5 items and eat them all with hot sauce. If we were going with the Fresco Diet options, it would be the caloric equivalent to about 2 feet of Subway subs. I can see the Chihuahua spinning in his grave… if he isn’t the secret ingredient in the Fresco Diet.
A subtext of the Fresco Diet is that it’s to replace your regularly eaten fast food. If you’re like me and only eat fast food about 3 times a month, this diet won’t work even register in your health goals. If you’re someone that eats fast food 7 or more times a week, you’re going to have bigger problems than what the Fresco Diet can fix. If you eat fast food about 2-4 times a week because you don’t have enough time to prepare your own meals, I’m going to lay some truth on you. Taco Bell doesn’t save you time. Buy a loaf of bread and some deli meat and then make yourself a sandwich or two. In the same amount of time, I was waiting in line to place my order and then have to wait again for my order to be made. Yes, a cold sandwich isn’t the same as a piping hot taco, but that can be easily remedied by popping that sandwich into the microwave for a half-minute and creating a hot meat sandwich. Put on a little mustard, some pickles, maybe even a tomato slice (or salsa) and you’ve got yourself a darn good sandwich.
The Ugly:
I’m not dropping a deuce on Taco Bell for offering healthier options. I’m leaving a gift on their chests because they’re trying to make people believe that it’s diet food. It’s still Taco Bell. I don’t go there to lose weight. I go there because I have a craving for generic Mexican food and soda that can fill me up with only $5.
Instead of focusing a campaign on a “diet” to lose weight, they should have done what McDonald’s and Wendy’s when they were forced to offer alternatives (salads, apple slices, etc) and just mention the healthier options in passing while still focusing on their big ticket items. It’s almost insulting. Subway can get away with what they did because when I think of Subway, I think of clean deli meat, vegetables, and the freshness that comes with a hand-made sandwich. When I think of Taco Bell, I think of processed cheese, watery beans, greasy ground meat, and uncontrollable bowel movements. To try and do a 180 into the healthy foods market is not doing anyone any favors.
I can smell a backlash in the air, hiding under the disguise of thousands of backed up toilets. Mobs of angry fat people are going to try and tip over a local Taco Bell because they haven’t lost any weight, their doctors told them they are in worse shape than before, or because they’ve gone crazy after starving themselves on eating only a single Fresco Diet item for a meal.
So why am I going to drop a hot and steamy pile on this? Well, I saw a commercial for the Fresco Diet a couple nights ago and my gut started to turn as if I had just eaten at Taco Bell. They were being serious!
The Good:
I applaud the spokeswoman of this diet for losing weight and finding a plan that worked for her (and for showing a hottie-worthy picture of her in a two-piece swimsuit in the commercial). It’s hard to lose weight when there’s a lot to lose in the first place. I also applaud Taco Bell for offering lower calorie/fat options for their customers. I looked online at the nutritional facts (that they displayed on their website) and they are noticeably lower in fat and calories than their other offerings so I can see the logic in how that could work. Eating less calories and fat does lead to weight loss. It makes more sense to me than the Atkins Diet.
The Bad:
A single Fresco Diet item has about the same calories/fat as a 6” sub at Subway. This leads me to point out a terrible fact: I’ve never eaten just 1 taco when I go to Taco Bell. Could it be because I lack portion control when it comes to my meals? Could it be because the serving sizes at Taco Bell are barely enough to satisfy as an appetizer for a toddler? Could it be because I’m a masochist who wants to see how much punishment my intestines can take before I start to suffer from full systems failure? Either way, if I go to Taco Bell, I always order about 4-5 items and eat them all with hot sauce. If we were going with the Fresco Diet options, it would be the caloric equivalent to about 2 feet of Subway subs. I can see the Chihuahua spinning in his grave… if he isn’t the secret ingredient in the Fresco Diet.
A subtext of the Fresco Diet is that it’s to replace your regularly eaten fast food. If you’re like me and only eat fast food about 3 times a month, this diet won’t work even register in your health goals. If you’re someone that eats fast food 7 or more times a week, you’re going to have bigger problems than what the Fresco Diet can fix. If you eat fast food about 2-4 times a week because you don’t have enough time to prepare your own meals, I’m going to lay some truth on you. Taco Bell doesn’t save you time. Buy a loaf of bread and some deli meat and then make yourself a sandwich or two. In the same amount of time, I was waiting in line to place my order and then have to wait again for my order to be made. Yes, a cold sandwich isn’t the same as a piping hot taco, but that can be easily remedied by popping that sandwich into the microwave for a half-minute and creating a hot meat sandwich. Put on a little mustard, some pickles, maybe even a tomato slice (or salsa) and you’ve got yourself a darn good sandwich.
The Ugly:
I’m not dropping a deuce on Taco Bell for offering healthier options. I’m leaving a gift on their chests because they’re trying to make people believe that it’s diet food. It’s still Taco Bell. I don’t go there to lose weight. I go there because I have a craving for generic Mexican food and soda that can fill me up with only $5.
Instead of focusing a campaign on a “diet” to lose weight, they should have done what McDonald’s and Wendy’s when they were forced to offer alternatives (salads, apple slices, etc) and just mention the healthier options in passing while still focusing on their big ticket items. It’s almost insulting. Subway can get away with what they did because when I think of Subway, I think of clean deli meat, vegetables, and the freshness that comes with a hand-made sandwich. When I think of Taco Bell, I think of processed cheese, watery beans, greasy ground meat, and uncontrollable bowel movements. To try and do a 180 into the healthy foods market is not doing anyone any favors.
I can smell a backlash in the air, hiding under the disguise of thousands of backed up toilets. Mobs of angry fat people are going to try and tip over a local Taco Bell because they haven’t lost any weight, their doctors told them they are in worse shape than before, or because they’ve gone crazy after starving themselves on eating only a single Fresco Diet item for a meal.
2009 Brown Swirly
What’s this, you say? Well, for every great move/game/tv show, there is an equally horrible entry into the genres. These, folks, are the chunks of corn in a big pile of crap.
Worst New TV Show of the Year
Let’s face it. TV executives are crazy. For every great idea, there are over a hundred bad ones and in some really horrible instances, the bad shows are the ones that get the most fanfare before they tailspin and die after really poor ratings during their premiere. Am I forgetting any really terrible shows that came out this year? Probably, but these are the ones that stick in my head like an annoying commercial jingle for a product I’ll never buy. Have I watched all of these shows? Nope. But I can tell you one thing, these shows sucked.
• Osbournes: Reloaded
• I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here
• Jersey Shore
• The Jay Leno Show
• HawthoRNe
And the Loser is…
Jersey Shore! The Jay Leno Show!
The Osbournes: Reloaded and I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here were saved further humiliation by being cancelled early. HawthoRNe was saved from the fact that TNT is calling for a Mulligan on their recent wave of bad new series. I almost gave the loss to Jersey Shore because it’s the biggest waste of time ever with unlikeable people and unlikeable situations (one of their male “actors” punched one of the females and that’s just not cool). But Jersey Shore wasn’t able to do what the Jay Leno Show did, which was bring down an entire network and recently damage the hopes and dreams of Conan O’Brien (in my opinion, just as bad as punching a woman in the face). The Jay Leno Show was a poor excuse to create a cheap show and display a willingness to take a hit in the ratings. Of course, NBC didn’t think about the backlash they’d get from their local affiliates and are now backtracking as fast as they can and are willing to trample over Conan O’Brien and his Tonight Show. Yeah, Jersey Shore is terrible, awful show, but they weren’t able to accomplish the new levels of suck that the Jay Leno Show did.
Biggest Movie Disappointment of the Year
Don’t confuse this with the worst movie category. These are the most disappointing. The trailers were amazing. The concepts were sure-hit fool-proof endeavors. The casting was done well. But then, they just fell flat. Funny movies were not funny. Action movies were funny for all the wrong reasons. And I’m left sitting in the movie theater, massaging my temples, as I try to repress my rage at the hours and money I’ve wasted. At least, bad movies always fail to hide their failures. These movies hurt me by making me think they were going to be good, but end up sucking like all of the other wastes of film.
• GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
• Land of the Lost
• Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
• Hulk Vs.
• Year One
And the Loser is…
Year One!
GI Joe and Transformers 2 sucked, but I still bought them on Blu-ray for the simple fact that they still had kickass action sequences that needed to be seen in high definition. The great thing about Blu-ray and DVD is that I can easily skip the mind-numbingly bad parts with a press of a button. Another good thing is that it converts 2+ hour movies filled with vomit-inducing scenes into 30 minute snacks. Hulk Vs is on here because of the other half (Hulk Vs Thor). Not only is it painfully short, but it’s also completely muted. I was expecting an epic slugfest between the two strongest heroes in the Marvel Universe, but instead I get a wrestling match not even worthy for a local PBS affiliate. Of course, Hulk Vs Wolverine was a better half of the movie and saves it from infamy here. Land of the Lost made me laugh when I first saw a trailer for it during last year’s Super Bowl. But it sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked… They should be grateful that even though Year One didn’t suck as much as Land of the Lost, I am more disappointed in Year One because a part of me knew Land of the Lost was going to bomb (I hate Chaka) and thus, had less ground to fall. Year One… how could it fail with Jack Black, Michael Cera, David Crane, Olivia Wilde, Oliver Platt, and Paul Rudd? It still boggles my mind. The trailer made me laugh my socks off, but then I realized the trailer displayed the only funny moments in the movie. The rest just fell flat. I almost wanted to buy the DVD and place it in the corner so it could think about what it did.
Worst Movie Performance of the Year
I am by no means an Oscar caliber actor and some of these nominees permanently poisoned their chances of ever being taken seriously in show business because of how grating and annoying their performances were this year.
• Megan Fox (Jennifer’s Body)
• Jorma Taccone (Chaka, Land of the Lost)
• Randy Quaid (General Hawk, GI Joe)
• Jamie Chung (Dragonball: Evolution)
• Channing Tatum (Duke, GI Joe)
And the Loser is…
Jorma Taccone!
I hate Chaka! But before I go into it, I’ll explain the others. Megan Fox is a hottie, there’s no denying that, but she’s crazy if she thought Jennifer’s Body was the best choice to rely on while burning her bridge with Michael Bay. Jamie Chung is another hottie that just rubbed me the wrong way in a movie filled with terrible sight gags and lack of respect for the source material. Channing Tatum and Randy Quaid were on opposite ends of suck in GI Joe. Tatum was doing his best, which is not very good. Quaid was phoning it in while counting the zeroes on his paycheck. Tatum couldn’t rely on multiple shirtless dance scenes to hide his flaws as an actor. Quaid was almost laughing at how ridiculous some of his lines are (and laughing at anyone who was watching the movie). And now to lambast Jorma Taccone’s Chaka. I hate Chaka. He was a stupid character on an even stupider television show. The amount of pain my mind, body, and soul (yes, it hurt my soul) had to endure during his every scene almost made me convulse and pass out, but I stayed conscious because of the fear of my head exploding if I woke up and Chaka might be the first thing I saw. Yeah, I hate Chaka.
Worst Movie of the Year
I’ll admit this now. I only saw one of these five movies, mainly because I accidentally moved one to the top of my Netflix queue and after watching it, because nothing was on TV that night, I wanted to go boil some water and pour it into my pant. Sure, some of these movies were targeted at people/kids in a demographic that I certainly don’t fit into, but that’s no excuse for creating these mindless, poorly crafted, piles of dung. I’m probably not the target audience for a Pixar film, but I enjoyed them all. I’m probably not in the mindset of people who make a Jennifer Aniston movie, but they don’t make me want to gouge my eyes out with a hacksaw and crowbar. For the other movies that I didn’t see, their trailers were more than enough to make me drink a cocktail of Pepto Bismol and aspirin.
• Twilight: New Moon
• Aliens in the Attic
• Dragonball: Evolution
• Band Slam
• Shorts
And the Loser is…
Twilight: New Moon! Dragonball: Evolution!
The quick hits from the almost losers:
Twilight: Bella is a ridiculous name. Vampires that only “glitter like gold” in the sunlight are ridiculous. Only saving grace is that they had Taylor Lautner from The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl. Oh yeah, and the books suck too.
Aliens in the Attic: You’re like a checklist of bad ideas. Annoying mascot character? Check. Shameless slapstick? Check. Disney B-list pop star? Check. Doris Roberts doing superhero stunts in slow motion? What the hell were you thinking?
Band Slam: Sa7m? Really? Unless this movie was going to end with Brad Pitt finding his wife’s head in a box, you don’t put “7” between characters just to be ironic or unique. That just makes you dumb.
Shorts: A poor attempt to milk whatever magic was left from the Spy Kids franchise only to realize there was never any magic to begin with.
And now for the loser:
Dragonball Evolution: With no respect for the source material, they created one of these worst movies I have ever seen. That’s right. I saw it and a little piece of me died inside. Mr. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Chow-Yun Fat couldn’t save this movie. My second favorite Buffy vampire, James Marsters couldn’t save this movie. Phantom of the Opera hottie Emmy Rossum couldn’t salvage this trainwreck. Not even a cameo from Ernie Hudson (of Ghostbusters fame) was able to stop the pain. Do yourself a favor. Don’t remember them for this failure; remember them for their better days. And if Netflix sends you this movie, just send it right back with an angry letter.
Worst New TV Show of the Year
Let’s face it. TV executives are crazy. For every great idea, there are over a hundred bad ones and in some really horrible instances, the bad shows are the ones that get the most fanfare before they tailspin and die after really poor ratings during their premiere. Am I forgetting any really terrible shows that came out this year? Probably, but these are the ones that stick in my head like an annoying commercial jingle for a product I’ll never buy. Have I watched all of these shows? Nope. But I can tell you one thing, these shows sucked.
• Osbournes: Reloaded
• I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here
• Jersey Shore
• The Jay Leno Show
• HawthoRNe
And the Loser is…
The Osbournes: Reloaded and I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here were saved further humiliation by being cancelled early. HawthoRNe was saved from the fact that TNT is calling for a Mulligan on their recent wave of bad new series. I almost gave the loss to Jersey Shore because it’s the biggest waste of time ever with unlikeable people and unlikeable situations (one of their male “actors” punched one of the females and that’s just not cool). But Jersey Shore wasn’t able to do what the Jay Leno Show did, which was bring down an entire network and recently damage the hopes and dreams of Conan O’Brien (in my opinion, just as bad as punching a woman in the face). The Jay Leno Show was a poor excuse to create a cheap show and display a willingness to take a hit in the ratings. Of course, NBC didn’t think about the backlash they’d get from their local affiliates and are now backtracking as fast as they can and are willing to trample over Conan O’Brien and his Tonight Show. Yeah, Jersey Shore is terrible, awful show, but they weren’t able to accomplish the new levels of suck that the Jay Leno Show did.
Biggest Movie Disappointment of the Year
Don’t confuse this with the worst movie category. These are the most disappointing. The trailers were amazing. The concepts were sure-hit fool-proof endeavors. The casting was done well. But then, they just fell flat. Funny movies were not funny. Action movies were funny for all the wrong reasons. And I’m left sitting in the movie theater, massaging my temples, as I try to repress my rage at the hours and money I’ve wasted. At least, bad movies always fail to hide their failures. These movies hurt me by making me think they were going to be good, but end up sucking like all of the other wastes of film.
• GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra
• Land of the Lost
• Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
• Hulk Vs.
• Year One
And the Loser is…
Year One!
GI Joe and Transformers 2 sucked, but I still bought them on Blu-ray for the simple fact that they still had kickass action sequences that needed to be seen in high definition. The great thing about Blu-ray and DVD is that I can easily skip the mind-numbingly bad parts with a press of a button. Another good thing is that it converts 2+ hour movies filled with vomit-inducing scenes into 30 minute snacks. Hulk Vs is on here because of the other half (Hulk Vs Thor). Not only is it painfully short, but it’s also completely muted. I was expecting an epic slugfest between the two strongest heroes in the Marvel Universe, but instead I get a wrestling match not even worthy for a local PBS affiliate. Of course, Hulk Vs Wolverine was a better half of the movie and saves it from infamy here. Land of the Lost made me laugh when I first saw a trailer for it during last year’s Super Bowl. But it sucked. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked… They should be grateful that even though Year One didn’t suck as much as Land of the Lost, I am more disappointed in Year One because a part of me knew Land of the Lost was going to bomb (I hate Chaka) and thus, had less ground to fall. Year One… how could it fail with Jack Black, Michael Cera, David Crane, Olivia Wilde, Oliver Platt, and Paul Rudd? It still boggles my mind. The trailer made me laugh my socks off, but then I realized the trailer displayed the only funny moments in the movie. The rest just fell flat. I almost wanted to buy the DVD and place it in the corner so it could think about what it did.
Worst Movie Performance of the Year
I am by no means an Oscar caliber actor and some of these nominees permanently poisoned their chances of ever being taken seriously in show business because of how grating and annoying their performances were this year.
• Megan Fox (Jennifer’s Body)
• Jorma Taccone (Chaka, Land of the Lost)
• Randy Quaid (General Hawk, GI Joe)
• Jamie Chung (Dragonball: Evolution)
• Channing Tatum (Duke, GI Joe)
And the Loser is…
Jorma Taccone!
I hate Chaka! But before I go into it, I’ll explain the others. Megan Fox is a hottie, there’s no denying that, but she’s crazy if she thought Jennifer’s Body was the best choice to rely on while burning her bridge with Michael Bay. Jamie Chung is another hottie that just rubbed me the wrong way in a movie filled with terrible sight gags and lack of respect for the source material. Channing Tatum and Randy Quaid were on opposite ends of suck in GI Joe. Tatum was doing his best, which is not very good. Quaid was phoning it in while counting the zeroes on his paycheck. Tatum couldn’t rely on multiple shirtless dance scenes to hide his flaws as an actor. Quaid was almost laughing at how ridiculous some of his lines are (and laughing at anyone who was watching the movie). And now to lambast Jorma Taccone’s Chaka. I hate Chaka. He was a stupid character on an even stupider television show. The amount of pain my mind, body, and soul (yes, it hurt my soul) had to endure during his every scene almost made me convulse and pass out, but I stayed conscious because of the fear of my head exploding if I woke up and Chaka might be the first thing I saw. Yeah, I hate Chaka.
Worst Movie of the Year
I’ll admit this now. I only saw one of these five movies, mainly because I accidentally moved one to the top of my Netflix queue and after watching it, because nothing was on TV that night, I wanted to go boil some water and pour it into my pant. Sure, some of these movies were targeted at people/kids in a demographic that I certainly don’t fit into, but that’s no excuse for creating these mindless, poorly crafted, piles of dung. I’m probably not the target audience for a Pixar film, but I enjoyed them all. I’m probably not in the mindset of people who make a Jennifer Aniston movie, but they don’t make me want to gouge my eyes out with a hacksaw and crowbar. For the other movies that I didn’t see, their trailers were more than enough to make me drink a cocktail of Pepto Bismol and aspirin.
• Twilight: New Moon
• Aliens in the Attic
• Dragonball: Evolution
• Band Slam
• Shorts
And the Loser is…
The quick hits from the almost losers:
Twilight: Bella is a ridiculous name. Vampires that only “glitter like gold” in the sunlight are ridiculous. Only saving grace is that they had Taylor Lautner from The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl. Oh yeah, and the books suck too.
Aliens in the Attic: You’re like a checklist of bad ideas. Annoying mascot character? Check. Shameless slapstick? Check. Disney B-list pop star? Check. Doris Roberts doing superhero stunts in slow motion? What the hell were you thinking?
Band Slam: Sa7m? Really? Unless this movie was going to end with Brad Pitt finding his wife’s head in a box, you don’t put “7” between characters just to be ironic or unique. That just makes you dumb.
Shorts: A poor attempt to milk whatever magic was left from the Spy Kids franchise only to realize there was never any magic to begin with.
And now for the loser:
Dragonball Evolution: With no respect for the source material, they created one of these worst movies I have ever seen. That’s right. I saw it and a little piece of me died inside. Mr. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Chow-Yun Fat couldn’t save this movie. My second favorite Buffy vampire, James Marsters couldn’t save this movie. Phantom of the Opera hottie Emmy Rossum couldn’t salvage this trainwreck. Not even a cameo from Ernie Hudson (of Ghostbusters fame) was able to stop the pain. Do yourself a favor. Don’t remember them for this failure; remember them for their better days. And if Netflix sends you this movie, just send it right back with an angry letter.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Game of the Year
This award is near and dear to my heart because I wish I can spend at least 50% of my waking hours playing video games, but alas, that can’t be done because of work, social obligations, and time spent buying video games. As a note, I own a PS3 and a DS (no Xbox 360, no Wii, no PSP) and I only nominate games I’ve played, so if you’re looking for games like Halo 3 or Gears of War 2, you’ve come to the wrong place. Also, I’m by no means a rich man, so you can also expect some notable snubs (Assassin’s Creed 2) due to financial constraints, but I think I did pretty well this year.
• Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Already pulling in more accolades than Michael Phelps before the bong incident, Uncharted 2 was what I wished the fourth Indiana Jones movie could have been—better than my expectations. If you own a PS3, this is a must have game unless you’re allergic to awesome, which also means you shouldn’t even own a PS3 in the first place. The voice acting was perfect, the graphics were jaw-dropping, the storyline was enthralling, and it even has multi-player! Heck, the train chapter alone was worth it. You don’t need to play the first game (Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune) to play this game, but it’ll definitely be some good back-story between Drake and Elena.
• Dragon Age: Origins
Now this was a game I was on the fence about buying and if straddling a fence is as much fun as playing Dragon Age: Origins, then I’m getting a home with white pickets all around it while I alienate my new neighbors and their children. I’ve only scratched the surface of this epic game, but I got the basics down.
You/I = main character
Dragons = evil
Blood splatter = never can get enough
Side boobs = good, wholesome family fun
• Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
When I played the original Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
, I thought the series had reached an apex. Then I played Modern Warfare 2 and can only see great things beyond the horizon. Unlike a lot of gamers out there, I actually enjoy a good single player campaign, and even through it was short, it was really entertaining. Sure I died like a hundred times during the chapter in South America, but that didn’t deter me from diving into waves of arms dealers with reckless abandonment and guns blazing. Of course, the key to Modern Warfare 2’s success is the multiplayer and I’ve played my fair share of those foul-language free-for-all death matches (the mute option is my friend). It’s fun and incredibly gratifying to stab a guy in the throat or shoot him in the testicles after one too many idiotic drops of the n-word.
• Batman: Arkham Asylum
This was a fun surprise for me. “Fun” because the game does Batman the way Batman should be done. “Surprise” because it had exceeded all of my set goals for what I wanted the game to be. Definitely the best Batman game ever, you get all of his gadgets, all of his fighting skills, and get to fight a lot of the famous members of his rogues gallery. The graphics were surprisingly detailed and the extras (geek service) were truly entertaining. The best part wasn’t the fact that they got Kevin Conroy to play Batman and Mark Hamill to do the Joker, even though those are close second and third places. The best part of the game was seeing a fully rendered Harley Quinn in a nurse’s uniform. I’d turn my head and cough to that any day.
• Beatles: Rock Band
This was a toughie between Rock Band and Street Fighter 4. I tested these out at two different parties and they killed them both. These supposed party games quickly changed raucous conversation laden fiestas into quiet events where people blankly stared at screens. So I left it to a coin toss.
Heads: You get to play through what felt like a library of Beetles songs with psychedelic backgrounds and a Cliff’s Notes summary of their history in the music business.
Tails: You get a fighting game with great graphics, tight controls, and modernized versions of classic characters.
Heads: You are left with a realization that you don’t know all of the Beatles’ songs and not all of them are even good. Plus the background animation through their hippie years gave me nightmares. Nightmares!
Tails: You’re stuck playing a game that you purchased for pure nostalgia only to find out that they are going to release a Super version with more playable characters that should have been included in the original but instead you’re stuck with having to play as either a really fat white guy, a French judo expert with impossible move sets, or a hyperactive Mexican midget who is about as much fun to play as it is to have a classroom full of kindergarteners punch me in the nuts.
Heads! The fifth nominee is Beatles: Rock Band.
And the winner is…
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves!
This was a pretty good 4-way race, but Uncharted 2 gets my vote for game of the year mainly because I’m still having joy-gasms from, not just playing, experiencing it. The creators at Naughty Dog outdid themselves with this hallmark. I’m not just replaying this game to see if there are different ways of attacking things or winning the game. I’m replaying it to see what I’ve done before again! That’s how good it is. Plus Nolan North is perfect as the quipping Nathan Drake and Emily Rose (reprising her role as Elena Fisher) and Claudia Black (better known as Aeryn Sun from Farscape and Vala Mal Doran in the later years of Stargate SG-1, nerds rejoice!) made an entertaining love triangle. This game had it all.
• Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Already pulling in more accolades than Michael Phelps before the bong incident, Uncharted 2 was what I wished the fourth Indiana Jones movie could have been—better than my expectations. If you own a PS3, this is a must have game unless you’re allergic to awesome, which also means you shouldn’t even own a PS3 in the first place. The voice acting was perfect, the graphics were jaw-dropping, the storyline was enthralling, and it even has multi-player! Heck, the train chapter alone was worth it. You don’t need to play the first game (Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune) to play this game, but it’ll definitely be some good back-story between Drake and Elena.
• Dragon Age: Origins
Now this was a game I was on the fence about buying and if straddling a fence is as much fun as playing Dragon Age: Origins, then I’m getting a home with white pickets all around it while I alienate my new neighbors and their children. I’ve only scratched the surface of this epic game, but I got the basics down.
You/I = main character
Dragons = evil
Blood splatter = never can get enough
Side boobs = good, wholesome family fun
• Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
When I played the original Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
, I thought the series had reached an apex. Then I played Modern Warfare 2 and can only see great things beyond the horizon. Unlike a lot of gamers out there, I actually enjoy a good single player campaign, and even through it was short, it was really entertaining. Sure I died like a hundred times during the chapter in South America, but that didn’t deter me from diving into waves of arms dealers with reckless abandonment and guns blazing. Of course, the key to Modern Warfare 2’s success is the multiplayer and I’ve played my fair share of those foul-language free-for-all death matches (the mute option is my friend). It’s fun and incredibly gratifying to stab a guy in the throat or shoot him in the testicles after one too many idiotic drops of the n-word.• Batman: Arkham Asylum
This was a fun surprise for me. “Fun” because the game does Batman the way Batman should be done. “Surprise” because it had exceeded all of my set goals for what I wanted the game to be. Definitely the best Batman game ever, you get all of his gadgets, all of his fighting skills, and get to fight a lot of the famous members of his rogues gallery. The graphics were surprisingly detailed and the extras (geek service) were truly entertaining. The best part wasn’t the fact that they got Kevin Conroy to play Batman and Mark Hamill to do the Joker, even though those are close second and third places. The best part of the game was seeing a fully rendered Harley Quinn in a nurse’s uniform. I’d turn my head and cough to that any day.
• Beatles: Rock Band
This was a toughie between Rock Band and Street Fighter 4. I tested these out at two different parties and they killed them both. These supposed party games quickly changed raucous conversation laden fiestas into quiet events where people blankly stared at screens. So I left it to a coin toss.
Heads: You get to play through what felt like a library of Beetles songs with psychedelic backgrounds and a Cliff’s Notes summary of their history in the music business.
Tails: You get a fighting game with great graphics, tight controls, and modernized versions of classic characters.
Heads: You are left with a realization that you don’t know all of the Beatles’ songs and not all of them are even good. Plus the background animation through their hippie years gave me nightmares. Nightmares!
Tails: You’re stuck playing a game that you purchased for pure nostalgia only to find out that they are going to release a Super version with more playable characters that should have been included in the original but instead you’re stuck with having to play as either a really fat white guy, a French judo expert with impossible move sets, or a hyperactive Mexican midget who is about as much fun to play as it is to have a classroom full of kindergarteners punch me in the nuts.
Heads! The fifth nominee is Beatles: Rock Band.
And the winner is…
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves!
This was a pretty good 4-way race, but Uncharted 2 gets my vote for game of the year mainly because I’m still having joy-gasms from, not just playing, experiencing it. The creators at Naughty Dog outdid themselves with this hallmark. I’m not just replaying this game to see if there are different ways of attacking things or winning the game. I’m replaying it to see what I’ve done before again! That’s how good it is. Plus Nolan North is perfect as the quipping Nathan Drake and Emily Rose (reprising her role as Elena Fisher) and Claudia Black (better known as Aeryn Sun from Farscape and Vala Mal Doran in the later years of Stargate SG-1, nerds rejoice!) made an entertaining love triangle. This game had it all.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Movie of the Year
I remember, sometime last year, reading a report saying that movie theaters are going to be a thing of the past because of Netflix, pirating, high movie ticket costs, and the improvement in home theater quality. Sure, the box offices weren’t being forced to pull out their buckets and shovels to dig into piles of money, but with recent blockbusters like Avatar (which is not eligible for this year’s awards), they have nothing to fear. These five nominees showed exactly how to make a great movie by following a simple formula for box office success:
1) Appeal to the audiences. Leave the artsy-fartsy stuff to the indie films
2) Don’t fix what isn’t broken, but if you can successfully add on a new feature, that’s even better. Buddy comedies were revamped, war movies were given a new twist, a Sci-Fi standard became relevant, and a Pixar film continued to tug at the heartstrings.
3) (And most important for Box Office success) Don’t hire George Clooney. If you’re gut reaction in casting a movie is “George Clooney would be perfect!” then your movie is going to flop.
• The Hangover
My initial reaction after seeing this movie was to find some glue because I busted my gut from laughing so much and so hard. Every moment was golden and the movie just never stopped hitting you with punch-lines and sight gags. The movie was so good it was able to make Heather Graham, Wayne Newton, and Mike Tyson funny… in a not so tragic sort of way.
• Inglorious Basterds
I’ve said it before, this movie needed more Brad Pitt. So much so that I’m going to let his speech show you how amazing he was in this flick.
Lt. Aldo Raine: My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?
The Basterds: YES, SIR!
Lt. Aldo Raine: That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'.
That speech, like the scene where Bambi’s mom died, brought a tear to my eye.
• Up
The movie overall was not the best that Pixar has ever made, but the bar was set obscenely high by Finding Nemo and WALL-E. Up, however, did do one thing that those 2 were unable to do. It made me sob in the first 20 minutes and that emotional investment carried through the rest of the movie. Damn you, Ed Asner! First you make Mary Tyler Moore cry and now me!
• I Love You, Man
I love this movie, man. I can’t believe I completely wrote off Paul Rudd’s career after seeing him in Clueless (when I should have written off Alicia Silverstone’s career). As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, this move hit a high note with its eclectic mix of casting, including Jason Siegel and Hottie of the Year Rashida Jones. I can’t think of a single moment I didn’t like in this movie. I even enjoyed watching Paul Rudd slapping da bass. Slapping da bass, mon.
• Star Trek
I’m going to expose my bias on this one. I’m a major Star Trek fan… Star Trek: The Next Generation
, that is! Kirk and Spock can’t hold a photon torpedo to Picard and Riker. Sure the original had Uhura, but TNG had hotties in Dr. Crusher and Counselor Troi and I’d rather have a badass like Worf and his Klingon Battle Ax fighting on my side than Sulu and his little fencing sword. What does this rant have anything to do with the movie? Well, if you seen the movie, you know just as well as I do that little ripples of changes they made could completely change the future and their future was TNG. Picard may never be born. Worf may never be orphaned and then adopted by humans. Riker may never grow that man-crush-worthy beard. It totally throws my favorite childhood show into a blender. And for what? A badass movie with great acting, great story, great special effects, and a scene with Rachel Nichols and Zoe Saldana in their underwear…? Ok, maybe that last part made it worthy.
And the Winner is…
Star Trek!
Strap yourselves in and set phasers to fun! Sure there’s that looming cloud that TNG may never exist, but this movie was just too great to pass. With the great back-and-forth between characters and the breathtaking battles, Star Trek did everything right. Something that Michael Bay should learn.
1) Appeal to the audiences. Leave the artsy-fartsy stuff to the indie films
2) Don’t fix what isn’t broken, but if you can successfully add on a new feature, that’s even better. Buddy comedies were revamped, war movies were given a new twist, a Sci-Fi standard became relevant, and a Pixar film continued to tug at the heartstrings.
3) (And most important for Box Office success) Don’t hire George Clooney. If you’re gut reaction in casting a movie is “George Clooney would be perfect!” then your movie is going to flop.
• The Hangover
My initial reaction after seeing this movie was to find some glue because I busted my gut from laughing so much and so hard. Every moment was golden and the movie just never stopped hitting you with punch-lines and sight gags. The movie was so good it was able to make Heather Graham, Wayne Newton, and Mike Tyson funny… in a not so tragic sort of way.
• Inglorious Basterds
I’ve said it before, this movie needed more Brad Pitt. So much so that I’m going to let his speech show you how amazing he was in this flick.
Lt. Aldo Raine: My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?
The Basterds: YES, SIR!
Lt. Aldo Raine: That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'.
That speech, like the scene where Bambi’s mom died, brought a tear to my eye.
• Up
The movie overall was not the best that Pixar has ever made, but the bar was set obscenely high by Finding Nemo and WALL-E. Up, however, did do one thing that those 2 were unable to do. It made me sob in the first 20 minutes and that emotional investment carried through the rest of the movie. Damn you, Ed Asner! First you make Mary Tyler Moore cry and now me!
• I Love You, Man
I love this movie, man. I can’t believe I completely wrote off Paul Rudd’s career after seeing him in Clueless (when I should have written off Alicia Silverstone’s career). As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, this move hit a high note with its eclectic mix of casting, including Jason Siegel and Hottie of the Year Rashida Jones. I can’t think of a single moment I didn’t like in this movie. I even enjoyed watching Paul Rudd slapping da bass. Slapping da bass, mon.
• Star Trek
I’m going to expose my bias on this one. I’m a major Star Trek fan… Star Trek: The Next Generation
, that is! Kirk and Spock can’t hold a photon torpedo to Picard and Riker. Sure the original had Uhura, but TNG had hotties in Dr. Crusher and Counselor Troi and I’d rather have a badass like Worf and his Klingon Battle Ax fighting on my side than Sulu and his little fencing sword. What does this rant have anything to do with the movie? Well, if you seen the movie, you know just as well as I do that little ripples of changes they made could completely change the future and their future was TNG. Picard may never be born. Worf may never be orphaned and then adopted by humans. Riker may never grow that man-crush-worthy beard. It totally throws my favorite childhood show into a blender. And for what? A badass movie with great acting, great story, great special effects, and a scene with Rachel Nichols and Zoe Saldana in their underwear…? Ok, maybe that last part made it worthy.And the Winner is…
Star Trek!
Strap yourselves in and set phasers to fun! Sure there’s that looming cloud that TNG may never exist, but this movie was just too great to pass. With the great back-and-forth between characters and the breathtaking battles, Star Trek did everything right. Something that Michael Bay should learn.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
TV Show of the Year (Comedy)
This was a gut busting year and that’s not including the large amount of cake and hot dogs I ate during the New Year’s celebration this year. Thankfully, I heard that laughing can burn calories and the treadmill we just got home delivered doesn’t even work so I’ll be relying more on laughter to keep me slim and trim!
• 30 Rock
Let’s face it. 30 Rock is golden. It’s got the zaniness of a Zucker film (Hot Shots, Airplane!, Naked Gun), but still maintains hidden strings to keep the show grounded enough for audiences to remain attached to the characters. It’s an amazing balancing act, but the brilliant cast of characters and writers do it with ease.
• Modern Family
This show has been the AED for ABC. They hit all the right notes. The different points of view on the definition of family are thoughtfully written and always bring a smile to my face. I root for everyone, even when some of them butt heads against each other. It’s almost as if some higher power (Ed O’Neil) reached down and resuscitated the flailing channel.
• How I Met Your Mother
I was slow to hop aboard this show and have been kicking myself for that ever since The Doc graciously introduced me to how funny that show really is. All of the characters are hilarious. All of the storylines are entertaining. And once I learned that Bob Saget does the narrations, I was “super sold” on the show.
• Family Guy
I have to give kudos to the Emmys. They finally nominated Family Guy for best comedy—something we all knew should have happened ever since its first season on Fox after the show’s second cancellation. It’s one of the few shows where I own every season on DVD and watch it whenever I can and this season is right up there with all of the others. Seth MacFarlane is a comedy genius and he knows how to push the right buttons to make me laugh, be grossed out, and laugh some more.
• The Colbert Report
I’m an unofficial member of the official unofficial Colbert Report fan site called ColbertNation.com. Every show is gold. The Threat Down, Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger, Alpha Dog of the Week, and so on are all tasty treats to serve up horrible news with a funny spoonful of sugar to help everything go down smoothly.
And the Winner is…
30 Rock!
Yep, no shockers or upsets in this category. Do I really need to explain why this show wins? Watch the show. If Jane Krakowski doesn’t make you laugh with her first scene, then maybe the next one will.
• 30 Rock
Let’s face it. 30 Rock is golden. It’s got the zaniness of a Zucker film (Hot Shots, Airplane!, Naked Gun), but still maintains hidden strings to keep the show grounded enough for audiences to remain attached to the characters. It’s an amazing balancing act, but the brilliant cast of characters and writers do it with ease.
• Modern Family
This show has been the AED for ABC. They hit all the right notes. The different points of view on the definition of family are thoughtfully written and always bring a smile to my face. I root for everyone, even when some of them butt heads against each other. It’s almost as if some higher power (Ed O’Neil) reached down and resuscitated the flailing channel.
• How I Met Your Mother
I was slow to hop aboard this show and have been kicking myself for that ever since The Doc graciously introduced me to how funny that show really is. All of the characters are hilarious. All of the storylines are entertaining. And once I learned that Bob Saget does the narrations, I was “super sold” on the show.
• Family Guy
I have to give kudos to the Emmys. They finally nominated Family Guy for best comedy—something we all knew should have happened ever since its first season on Fox after the show’s second cancellation. It’s one of the few shows where I own every season on DVD and watch it whenever I can and this season is right up there with all of the others. Seth MacFarlane is a comedy genius and he knows how to push the right buttons to make me laugh, be grossed out, and laugh some more.
• The Colbert Report
I’m an unofficial member of the official unofficial Colbert Report fan site called ColbertNation.com. Every show is gold. The Threat Down, Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger, Alpha Dog of the Week, and so on are all tasty treats to serve up horrible news with a funny spoonful of sugar to help everything go down smoothly.
And the Winner is…
30 Rock!
Yep, no shockers or upsets in this category. Do I really need to explain why this show wins? Watch the show. If Jane Krakowski doesn’t make you laugh with her first scene, then maybe the next one will.
TV Show of the Year (Drama)
Thanks to the horrible idea of NBC to rid themselves of four slots in the usual drama hour before the news and Tonight Show, I would have thought that whittling down five nominees for this year would have been easier than writing my name in the snow after winning a dozen rounds of Drink the Beer. I couldn’t have been any more wrong than the night I decided to save time in my morning routine by peeing while taking a shower. The morning after a meal with asparagus was probably not a good first day to try that.
• NCIS
I am a super fan when it comes to Gibbs and his team. From the storylines between Ziva and DiNozzo to the perfect geek coupling of McGee and Abby, I was hooked on this show ever since they killed Kate. Yeah, I hated Kate. I thought Ziva was a step down with all of her ill-attempted idioms, but then she started kicking ass and threw a knife into a dude’s chest. Yeah, I like Ziva.
• Burn Notice
Aw, Michael Weston, how I wish I was like you. Every season you teach me useful information, like how to turn the trunk of my car into an x-ray machine or how to trick a Russian mob hit-man into betraying his own people. You are like the MacGuyver of our generation. Bruce Campbell’s Sam Axe is always a joy to see and Gabrielle Anwar’s Fiona Glenanne is always a really big joy to see. After killing off Karla and seeing you struggle through the new year of troubles with a swagger that only a true man could appreciate, Michael Weston, I salute you.
• Lie To Me
I came into the Lie To Me show a season late, but when I convinced myself to DVR it during the middle of their second season, I watched Tim Roth’s Cal Lightman help a old buddy of his win at poker by reading people. Then I saw him get shot by a bad guy’s bodyguard and then come back up because he was able to tell that the bodyguard was actually a cop! I was shocked! After that, I was hooked. So hooked that I went and bought the first season on DVD. With hottie veteran Kelli Williams as the second-in-command and Latina hottie Monica Raymund, it's extra incentive for me to keep my eyes glued to the TV.
• Castle
There’s definitely biased in this situation. Yes, I have a man crush on Nathan Fillion. Yes, I have a crush on Stana Katic. And yes, that is a roll of quarters in my pants. When it comes to dramas, I enjoy the whodunits and this definitely follows the formula of dead body, suspect, twist, new suspect, and finale. Plus, the witty repartee between Castle and Detective Beckett are more than enough to fill the antics of a sitcom.
• Grey’s Anatomy
This one is for the Doc (and a little for me). Once you get passed the fact that it’s aimed at the feminine half of society, this show kicks some nice ass, figuratively speaking that is. While the ladies ogle eye candy like Patrick Dempsey and Eric Dane, the guys can just watch these dudes rock the operating table and destroy diseases like bugs. While the ladies weep and sob with the heartaches of Ellen Pompeo, Sandra Oh, and Katherine Heigl, the guys can ogle them like eye candy. It’s a win-win. Oh yeah, and was anyone else like totally feeling it when Karev helped nurse a baby back from the brink of death while suffering on the inside because Izzie totally ditched him and left him twisting in the wind as she ignored her cancer treatments
And the Winner is…
Lie To Me!
I love smug lead characters. In the same mold as House, Bones, and Big Bang Theory, Tim Roth does a successful know-it-all that can keep me entertained for an entire hour and then leave me wanting more for the next week (and buying a season’s worth of DVDs).
• NCIS
I am a super fan when it comes to Gibbs and his team. From the storylines between Ziva and DiNozzo to the perfect geek coupling of McGee and Abby, I was hooked on this show ever since they killed Kate. Yeah, I hated Kate. I thought Ziva was a step down with all of her ill-attempted idioms, but then she started kicking ass and threw a knife into a dude’s chest. Yeah, I like Ziva.
• Burn Notice
Aw, Michael Weston, how I wish I was like you. Every season you teach me useful information, like how to turn the trunk of my car into an x-ray machine or how to trick a Russian mob hit-man into betraying his own people. You are like the MacGuyver of our generation. Bruce Campbell’s Sam Axe is always a joy to see and Gabrielle Anwar’s Fiona Glenanne is always a really big joy to see. After killing off Karla and seeing you struggle through the new year of troubles with a swagger that only a true man could appreciate, Michael Weston, I salute you.
• Lie To Me
I came into the Lie To Me show a season late, but when I convinced myself to DVR it during the middle of their second season, I watched Tim Roth’s Cal Lightman help a old buddy of his win at poker by reading people. Then I saw him get shot by a bad guy’s bodyguard and then come back up because he was able to tell that the bodyguard was actually a cop! I was shocked! After that, I was hooked. So hooked that I went and bought the first season on DVD. With hottie veteran Kelli Williams as the second-in-command and Latina hottie Monica Raymund, it's extra incentive for me to keep my eyes glued to the TV.
• Castle
There’s definitely biased in this situation. Yes, I have a man crush on Nathan Fillion. Yes, I have a crush on Stana Katic. And yes, that is a roll of quarters in my pants. When it comes to dramas, I enjoy the whodunits and this definitely follows the formula of dead body, suspect, twist, new suspect, and finale. Plus, the witty repartee between Castle and Detective Beckett are more than enough to fill the antics of a sitcom.
• Grey’s Anatomy
This one is for the Doc (and a little for me). Once you get passed the fact that it’s aimed at the feminine half of society, this show kicks some nice ass, figuratively speaking that is. While the ladies ogle eye candy like Patrick Dempsey and Eric Dane, the guys can just watch these dudes rock the operating table and destroy diseases like bugs. While the ladies weep and sob with the heartaches of Ellen Pompeo, Sandra Oh, and Katherine Heigl, the guys can ogle them like eye candy. It’s a win-win. Oh yeah, and was anyone else like totally feeling it when Karev helped nurse a baby back from the brink of death while suffering on the inside because Izzie totally ditched him and left him twisting in the wind as she ignored her cancer treatments
And the Winner is…
Lie To Me!
I love smug lead characters. In the same mold as House, Bones, and Big Bang Theory, Tim Roth does a successful know-it-all that can keep me entertained for an entire hour and then leave me wanting more for the next week (and buying a season’s worth of DVDs).
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Movie Actress of the Year
I’m not breaking any news when I say that the number of quality roles for leading ladies pales in comparison to those of men, but when these ladies get the parts they want, they run and run and run with them until they become something more golden than what the men could have done themselves. Was that long sentence? Yes it was.
• Sandra Bullock
The Proposal, All About Steve, The Blind Side
I can talk on and on about how amazing she was as a heartless Canadian editor in The Proposal or as a Southern bell with a heart of gold, but we all know which role really got her here and that’s her part as a crazy woman in All About Steve. Just kidding. That part actually hurt her a bit this year.
• Meryl Streep
Julie & Julia, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Doubt
The sad part here is that It’s Complicated didn’t make it in time for this year’s nominations, but the strength of her other roles this year are noteworthy as well. It’s no secret that I have crush on Miss Streep. She’s on my list of celebrities I can nookie with that the Doc can’t get angry with me, along with Katherine Hepburn and Jessica Rabbit.
• Amy Adams
Julie & Julia, Sunshine Cleaning, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Doubt
2009 was a busy year for Amy Adams (including 2 movies with Meryl Streep) and it’s also no secret that I’ve been smitten with her since Talladega Nights, but that movie doesn’t qualify as being mentioned during deliberation, even though I still get naughty thoughts of her crawling on my dinner table like Tawny Kitaen .
• Emily Blunt
Sunshine Cleaning, Curiosity, The Young Victoria
Here’s a name you’re going to hear a lot of after 2009 and deservedly so. Emily Blunt had some strong performances this year (although I only watched Sunshine Cleaning). She’s undeniably the longshot in this category, but she also undeniably earned this nomination.
• Reese Witherspoon
Monsters Vs Aliens, Four Christmases
It takes some real acting chops to make me believe that you’re a 40-ft woman. To be honest, she’s nominated because I didn’t want to put Julia Roberts here (not even going to imdb link her). Hated Duplicity. Loved Monsters Vs Aliens. That’s enough reason to nominate Reese Witherspoon.
And the Winner Is…
Sandra Bullock!
Although it hurts me to not give this to Meryl Streep, I could not look past the record-breaking year that Sandra Bullock had. Don’t worry, Meryl. You’ll have next year.
• Sandra Bullock
The Proposal, All About Steve, The Blind Side
I can talk on and on about how amazing she was as a heartless Canadian editor in The Proposal or as a Southern bell with a heart of gold, but we all know which role really got her here and that’s her part as a crazy woman in All About Steve. Just kidding. That part actually hurt her a bit this year.
• Meryl Streep
Julie & Julia, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Doubt
The sad part here is that It’s Complicated didn’t make it in time for this year’s nominations, but the strength of her other roles this year are noteworthy as well. It’s no secret that I have crush on Miss Streep. She’s on my list of celebrities I can nookie with that the Doc can’t get angry with me, along with Katherine Hepburn and Jessica Rabbit.
• Amy Adams
Julie & Julia, Sunshine Cleaning, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Doubt
2009 was a busy year for Amy Adams (including 2 movies with Meryl Streep) and it’s also no secret that I’ve been smitten with her since Talladega Nights, but that movie doesn’t qualify as being mentioned during deliberation, even though I still get naughty thoughts of her crawling on my dinner table like Tawny Kitaen .
• Emily Blunt
Sunshine Cleaning, Curiosity, The Young Victoria
Here’s a name you’re going to hear a lot of after 2009 and deservedly so. Emily Blunt had some strong performances this year (although I only watched Sunshine Cleaning). She’s undeniably the longshot in this category, but she also undeniably earned this nomination.
• Reese Witherspoon
Monsters Vs Aliens, Four Christmases
It takes some real acting chops to make me believe that you’re a 40-ft woman. To be honest, she’s nominated because I didn’t want to put Julia Roberts here (not even going to imdb link her). Hated Duplicity. Loved Monsters Vs Aliens. That’s enough reason to nominate Reese Witherspoon.
And the Winner Is…
Sandra Bullock!
Although it hurts me to not give this to Meryl Streep, I could not look past the record-breaking year that Sandra Bullock had. Don’t worry, Meryl. You’ll have next year.
Movie Actor of the Year
You may be wondering, “For what movie is each actor nominated?” Well, to that, I reply, “All of the ones in 2009!” That’s right. I don’t give awards based only on a single performance. I give awards based on the breadth of an entire year of accomplishments. Will someone get bonus points for having 2+ roles in a year? Sure thing. Will that guarantee them the victory? Heck no! I’m not going to pass on getting Hulk Hogan’s autograph for the John Hancocks of John Stud, Koko B. Ware, and a referee. Not sure why I threw in a wrestling reference. Must be from all the testosterone of the nominees for Best Movie Actor of 2009.
• Brad Pitt
Before 2009, the only Brad Pitt movies I’ve watched from beginning end were Cool World, Ocean’s Eleven, Se7en, Fight Club, and Thelma & Louise. Now I’m proud to say I watched him in Inglorious Basterds. Very rarely have I ever watched a movie and came out of the theater saying, “I wish it had more Brad Pitt.” This was one of those moments.
• George Clooney
George Clooney has become a master of making movies I don’t want to watch, or at the very least, don’t want to shell out over $10 just to watch in the theaters. This year, he had come out with three such movies (Up in the Air, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, and The Men Who Stare at Goats). Usually, I wouldn’t nominate someone for movies that I didn’t watch, but they came at such volume that he was hard to ignore. I give him an “A” for effort, but will that be enough to get him the victory?
• Ryan Reynolds
This funny man came out with 2 blockbuster movies this summer (X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Proposal) that really stretched out his acting chops. In Wolverine, he played a sharp-tongued mercenary who loves to kill. In The Proposal, he played a sharp-tongued Alaskan… I feel like I’ve repeated myself.
• John Krasinski
What? That’s right! I said it! John bleeping Krasinski! I watched Away We Go in the theater with the Doc and loved it. LOVED IT! Am I ashamed of this truth? N-O, no! Did I die a little inside when I watched it? I think I actually got rejuvenated. Could my opinion be swayed by the fact that, on the same day, I also get a free can of Rockstar energy drink and a Rockstar baseball cap? …Maybe.
• Gerard Butler
Here is another nominee based on sheer volume. He even outpaced George Clooney by making 4 movie appearances this year (Law Abiding Citizen, Gamer, The Ugly Truth, and Tales of the Black Freighter). Sad thing, though, is I only watched half of these, but loved him in Tales of the Black Freighter and The Ugly Truth.
And the Winner Is…
Brad Pitt!
In his best role since Fight Club, Brad Pitt was able to make me really enjoy the half of Inglorious Basterds that he was in and shows that sometimes quality can beat quantity.
• Brad Pitt
Before 2009, the only Brad Pitt movies I’ve watched from beginning end were Cool World, Ocean’s Eleven, Se7en, Fight Club, and Thelma & Louise. Now I’m proud to say I watched him in Inglorious Basterds. Very rarely have I ever watched a movie and came out of the theater saying, “I wish it had more Brad Pitt.” This was one of those moments.
• George Clooney
George Clooney has become a master of making movies I don’t want to watch, or at the very least, don’t want to shell out over $10 just to watch in the theaters. This year, he had come out with three such movies (Up in the Air, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, and The Men Who Stare at Goats). Usually, I wouldn’t nominate someone for movies that I didn’t watch, but they came at such volume that he was hard to ignore. I give him an “A” for effort, but will that be enough to get him the victory?
• Ryan Reynolds
This funny man came out with 2 blockbuster movies this summer (X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Proposal) that really stretched out his acting chops. In Wolverine, he played a sharp-tongued mercenary who loves to kill. In The Proposal, he played a sharp-tongued Alaskan… I feel like I’ve repeated myself.
• John Krasinski
What? That’s right! I said it! John bleeping Krasinski! I watched Away We Go in the theater with the Doc and loved it. LOVED IT! Am I ashamed of this truth? N-O, no! Did I die a little inside when I watched it? I think I actually got rejuvenated. Could my opinion be swayed by the fact that, on the same day, I also get a free can of Rockstar energy drink and a Rockstar baseball cap? …Maybe.
• Gerard Butler
Here is another nominee based on sheer volume. He even outpaced George Clooney by making 4 movie appearances this year (Law Abiding Citizen, Gamer, The Ugly Truth, and Tales of the Black Freighter). Sad thing, though, is I only watched half of these, but loved him in Tales of the Black Freighter and The Ugly Truth.
And the Winner Is…
Brad Pitt!
In his best role since Fight Club, Brad Pitt was able to make me really enjoy the half of Inglorious Basterds that he was in and shows that sometimes quality can beat quantity.
Movie Character of the Year
Every great movie has at least one: the character, big or small, that leaves an impression in the back of your head which will stay with you forever. This year’s crop of characters has been amazing and strangely varied. If you had asked me last year, I would have said that all of the movie studios would be so focused on trying to copy the Joker, that we’d be stuck with a bunch of characters in the same mold, but I am, thankfully, wrong. We’ve got a heartfelt southern mother, a space doctor (not a physicist), a WWII lieutenant who loves what he does, a mutated tomato, and a lone wolf who found his wolf pack. Yep, I don’t see the Joker anywhere here.
• Leigh Ann Tuohy (Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side)
This was pleasant surprise for the year. I started watching The Blind Side expecting a plot driven story with less emphasis on characters, but instead, we get Sandra Bullock’s tongue-in-cheek Leigh Ann Tuohy, who does what she says and says what she does.
• Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis, The Hangover)
Nothing I say can give more justice than the following speech by Alan in the movie:
You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Then he proceeds to cut his hand to make a blood pack that freaks the others out. Golden!
• Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy (Karl Urban, Star Trek)
In a movie filled with memorable moments, Karl Urban’s portrayal of Bones stole the most scenes from Kirk and Spock. From his introduction where a stewardess pulled him out of hiding in a shuttle restroom, every scene with Bones brought a lot of levity to what could have been a dark movie.
• Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt, Inglorious Basterds)
If this movie was based on true events, Lt. Aldo Raine would have been a polarizing figure. His mission wasn’t to save people. It was a simple mission. Bring fear to the Third Reich by killing Nazis in gruesome ways. Whether it be by scalping dead soldiers, spreading rumors of an invincible “Bear Jew” that likes to smash the heads of soldiers, or by carving a swastika into any Nazi they let go in exchange for information. The movie left me wanting more Aldo Raine and less of the other story of Shoshanna.
• B.O.B (Seth Rogan, Monsters Vs. Aliens)
I have soft spot for great characters that, in no way, could carry a movie by themselves, but can make a great movie even better: kind of like salt. If you tell me to eat a spoonful of salt, I’d demand money. If you tell me to eat popcorn, I’d demand for some salt. B.O.B. is that kind of character. As the no-brained member of the Monsters team, he was the funniest of the out-of-place creatures left to defend our planet. Every scene with him was a knee-slapper, even when he’s just playing with a ball or talking to a plate of gelatin.
And the Winner is…
Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy!
The only thing I would have added to this character was a nice rack to stare at. Thankfully, the movie provided plenty in the backgrounds.
• Leigh Ann Tuohy (Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side)
This was pleasant surprise for the year. I started watching The Blind Side expecting a plot driven story with less emphasis on characters, but instead, we get Sandra Bullock’s tongue-in-cheek Leigh Ann Tuohy, who does what she says and says what she does.
• Alan Garner (Zach Galifianakis, The Hangover)
Nothing I say can give more justice than the following speech by Alan in the movie:
You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Then he proceeds to cut his hand to make a blood pack that freaks the others out. Golden!
• Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy (Karl Urban, Star Trek)
In a movie filled with memorable moments, Karl Urban’s portrayal of Bones stole the most scenes from Kirk and Spock. From his introduction where a stewardess pulled him out of hiding in a shuttle restroom, every scene with Bones brought a lot of levity to what could have been a dark movie.
• Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt, Inglorious Basterds)
If this movie was based on true events, Lt. Aldo Raine would have been a polarizing figure. His mission wasn’t to save people. It was a simple mission. Bring fear to the Third Reich by killing Nazis in gruesome ways. Whether it be by scalping dead soldiers, spreading rumors of an invincible “Bear Jew” that likes to smash the heads of soldiers, or by carving a swastika into any Nazi they let go in exchange for information. The movie left me wanting more Aldo Raine and less of the other story of Shoshanna.
• B.O.B (Seth Rogan, Monsters Vs. Aliens)
I have soft spot for great characters that, in no way, could carry a movie by themselves, but can make a great movie even better: kind of like salt. If you tell me to eat a spoonful of salt, I’d demand money. If you tell me to eat popcorn, I’d demand for some salt. B.O.B. is that kind of character. As the no-brained member of the Monsters team, he was the funniest of the out-of-place creatures left to defend our planet. Every scene with him was a knee-slapper, even when he’s just playing with a ball or talking to a plate of gelatin.
And the Winner is…
Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy!
The only thing I would have added to this character was a nice rack to stare at. Thankfully, the movie provided plenty in the backgrounds.
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